Square One

“Alright, it’s time to talk one one on one with everyone here.”

It’s been a long time since I’ve actually posted here. Too long, in fact. A lot of things have happened in the span of that time between my last post and now. A lot of things that are small events, but add up to a large amount of things over time. I have never thought I’d be where I am today if you asked me several years ago. I’ve been left for dead in cavernous mountain passes, drowned in brackish water, and sent into dark caverns with no flashlight. My soul has experienced a rending the likes of which I had never thought possible. I’ve experienced bittersweet victories and melancholic happiness. All by people who I thought we friends. Maybe their intentions were not harmful, but it sure hurt quite a bit. Unintentional wounds and eyes of resentment.

I was a fool. A fool to think that I was impenetrable through the use of my buffers. I relied on psuedo-intellectualism, abject rationalization, red herrings, philosophical meanderings to compensate for my character defects. I thought I could actually transcend my problems and become unbreakable. Well, it didn’t work. And here I am, several months later asking the same fundamental questions I’ve been asking for years. I thought I cracked the code, I thought I figured it out. But little did I know that I’ve been rowing in place for years. It was enough to make me want to say “fuck it all” and just throw it all away. I was very close to doing it.

At the time of this writing, I feel as if I am up against the wall.I am waking up every day breathing a sigh of blue, asking myself why I made it through the night. And as always, I wonder what will happen to me at the end of the day.

What do I feel? In most to least: envy, melancholy, longing, desire. Just when I thought I had figured out the resolution to these problems. There they are again, just like they were several years before. Except this time, I can’t deny them. I truly have reached the end and I deserve every last drop of this.

I just know things have to change.

 

I was a fool.

Ashes

I’ve fallen a long way.

But simultaneously I’ve managed to make a tiny amount progress as well. The last couple of months have been a soul-rending experience to say the least. But it was necessary. Over the summer, I felt as if I needed reinvent who I am and what I stand for. I became frustrated at my lack of progress in relating to other people. I felt as if I was marginalized by whatever friends I had and that I had been taken for granted. When it came to the opposite sex, my luck was nonexistent. I began to experience an incredible sense of malcontent at seeing my friends get progressively better lives that I did. I felt trapped. Isolated. Cornered. If I didn’t change something, I would go off the deep end and do something terrible to myself. I had to do something. I had no choice.

Early on in the summer, I had the subconscious inclination to become as reckless of a person as possible. I was hell-bent on my self-destruction. Ironically, in attempting to act in a way to save myself, I was actually endangering myself. The summer was one of struggle. I’d rather not discuss the events that occurred over the summer, but it included many drunken nights, fights, and bouts of uninhibited lust.

In late August, a person I knew got into a serious car accident. He didn’t stand a chance and he died several days later in the hospital. I was about to get into that car after a party we went to but good thing a friend distracted me with something. After the accident, I took this as a wake up call that this was not the path that I wanted to be on. So I went back to school a couple days later.

I have now deconstructed myself and now I am ashes. As Frederich Nietzsche said, one cannot truly become reborn until they have become ashes first. So I am ashes and I will rebuild myself. It is a long process full of frustration but I must get there and hopefully I will get there with patience.

 

– Scotia

Modulation

I often go to the movies alone.

On most of those days, I go in the middle of the day. There, I sit in a relatively empty movie theater and see the few people in random areas. The theater, evoking emotions that I couldn’t bring out of myself. The movie ends and I leave. The movie doesn’t really make that much of an impact on me. I haven’t been blown away by a movie in quite some time.

Every form of popular entertainment relies on cliches and time-tested techniques. Movies packed with action, throwing a dose of sentimentality in the mix as an effort to appear “deep”. Music rehashing the same subject matter, using the same power chords, rappers rhyming over the same 4/4 808 beat. Television, offering a method of escape by providing us hyperbolic characters that we must strive to be a shadow of. The masses label it “genius”, “the best etc. of all time”, “epic”.

You can just look at the eyes and peer in. Something’s just not right. Most people get by faking it, putting on a cleverly deceptive veneer of equilibrium and getting away with it day after day after day.

Some men are sad because there just aren’t enough hours in the day. Some men are sad because they don’t make enough money. Some men are sad because they aren’t the guy in GQ. Some men are sad that they will one day die. Then of course, there are other men that are sad simply because the world keeps turning. In the cosmic scheme of things, no action that they do will stop the tidal wave and everything eventually boils down to insignificance or rounding the thousandths place. Whichever one comes first.

Naturally, there is always some type of substance to take.

 
-Scotia

Temptation

I’m not that old, but I’ve dodged quite a few bullets in my days. Feeding the inherent desires of my shadow side has not been an easy task to say the least. My conscious side has had to actively reel myself in from being entangled in compromising propositions. Temptation follows me everywhere. It follows us all everywhere. Some people tend to be more resistant than others to these things but there are several that just can’t help themselves. Play now, die later seems to be the mantra of the day.

The elders don’t seem to think that I have the willpower to resist or come out ahead. They seem to doubt me and my contemporaries and say that we will fall for the traps that the world has set for us. However, I disagree. There are many among us that do not fall for these things can practice self-control. These are the self-reliant, the stoic, the transcendent. Among us, we may have more wisdom than the elders and their hubris.

Following the straight and narrow path isn’t always easy because the straight and narrow path isn’t always clearly defined. One path can look like the right one at first but then it slowly deteriorates into a terrible situation. Like-wise, a bunch of people take the path that looks the worst on the outset but then it eventually turns to a walkway of gold.

I just hope I can keep my sanity the most when I need it. Because I know I’ll sure need it soon.

Shameless Self Promotion

Hello all,

I just wanted to make you all aware of what’s been going on with me recently. I have been very busy lately and that is one of the reasons why I cannot talk about heavier things. My time is being divided to many places. One of the many places is this: The Mid-Atlantic Lounge. This is a joint venture I started with a few friends back in 2010, but we never followed it through. Now, we are on our way back up and we’re starting it back up. I’m so excited.

I just made a post on a movie called Fight Club if you all are interested. Check it out. Let me know what you think.

 

Scotia

Children

Children are an interesting thing. They’re sentient enough to cause trouble, but not sentient enough to understand the gravity or the consequences of the trouble they often cause. They cost a fortune to maintain (if you’re doing your job right), and then they may often mess up a lot of your life’s plans. I could never understand why people have children. To some people they bring joy, to others; much heartache. They are the cause of a million missed appointments and time well spent at work. When I look back at my childhood, I was a relatively easy child to deal with compared to some of my contemporaries, but I guess that had a lot to do with how I was raised.

Either way, there is no sneaking around the fact that children use up valuable time and money. Still, the question remains: why do people have children? I have told myself even since a young age, that I would never have children. It is senseless. We have evolved beyond reproduction and we now have greater pursuits to worry about.

With the world in its current incarnation of FUBAR version 2.1.5, I would never bring another soul into this world. The world is so full of so many bad things and why would I want someone else to experience all of these bad things? The world has many good things, but I certainly feel that the bad things tend to outweigh the good. The fact that I would be responsible for another person possibly hating their life would kill me. I just feel that this life is pretty much like a curse and everyone who hasn’t be born got lucky. People say that if some people haven’t been born, then they wouldn’t get to experience certain good things. Well, if you don’t exist, you have no knowledge of good or bad so therefore you would not be missing out.

I feel really sorry for children that grow up in adverse environments because they didn’t choose their fate. They were placed there by someone else. A lot of people are unfit to be parents but they have children anyway. Its just simply not right to not give a child a chance. That is why all moves must be calculated beforehand.

Children get the short end of the stick. They inherit the sins of the father. They are dependent on others.They are the ones that get their opinions devalued. They have the most to lose when a parent dies or their parents split up.

People who have children, take better care of them, even if they do cause a bunch of trouble. They didn’t ask to be called Billy or Marissa or Robert. For bringing them into this messed up world, it’s the least you can do.

 

– Scotia

Music

It has come to my attention that this generation of mine has no conception of what good music is. Yes, MY generation. The Millenials. The Lost Generation. The Generation That We Fucked Up. Generation Y. As a whole, we do not understand what makes good music. I can’t blame them. In an age of auto-tune, shallow lyrics, and the propagation of “pussy, money, weed”, it’s not hard to understand why people do not know musical artistry. “Good music” varies from person to person but one main identifier is talent.

People can identify musical artistry. People can identify that Jimi Hendrix was a good guitar player. But do they KNOW why he was a good guitar player? Can they even begin to fathom the depths of what he did? This is where the disconnect between artistry and appearance. Many musicians today are concerned with appearance. People dress in flashy clothes with flashy stage acts with lip synching and backup dancers in tow. They are concerned with how the music video looks. They are concerned about the critics. There is just so much of a veneer in popular music, it makes me want to crawl up in a ball in a corner of my room and cry. And for some people, that’s all they listen to. Popular music.. How does Jennifer Lopez have more views on a music video than some other talented artist? Simply because of the appearance. Jennifer Lopez isn’t even a musician. Infact, I don’t really know what to call her. Publicity whore, maybe.

At Thanksgiving last year, I was playing a song off the computer by a band called The Dead Weather. My cousin came over and said:

“hey man, what’s this?”

“It’s a band called the Dead Weather.”

“oh. This ain’t really music, though.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah man, put on some Taio Cruz, some Trey Songz, or some Waka Flocka Flame.”

I wanted to slap him upside the head. Bombs dropping over a nondescript country in the desert make better music than those guys.

Programs such as American Idol and Americas’ Got Talent only further the degradation of popular music. These programs are shifting music from a primarily aural phenomenon to that of a visual phenomenon. So, why exactly is popular music so bad

I’ll tell you why.It simply lacks grit. It lacks soul. Heart. Aural stimulation. Pre-packaged, predictable, bubblegum pop in an easily digestible and non-introspective format. Soul and heart aren’t something you can fake and when you do, it’s quite obvious. However, there are vanguards of good music. Good lyrics. Good song composition.

I am so grateful that there are artists such as Adele, with her combination of deep soulful vocals reminiscent of soul singers gone by. I am thankful for prog-rock kings Tool with their uncompromising and progressive brand of aggressive-melodic art rock. I am thankful for the legendary electronic duo Massive Attack with their use of dark, creeping beats to create an inescapable and claustrophobic soundscape to be lost in for hours. I am thankful for artists such as The Civil Wars and how they are able to deliver strong songs with only a guitar and two voices and still make a stronger statement than a person who has a full-band behind them. There are many other artists in multiple genres that create good music: one genre does not have a monopoly on good music. Again, good music is artistry, lyrics, and feeling.

Universally, music is food for the soul. When I listen to music, I feel it right *here*. When its honest, I feel it right *there*. I like listening to music and dissecting it into music theory. It starts to give me a deeper understanding of the song and its meaning when I look at the chords and what colors they sound like. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t listen to some form of music. Headphones, car stereo, record player, whatever. There is not a day that goes by that I do not write music or play a musical instrument.

At the end of the day, that’s all that matters – music. Not how many girls you can fuck in a month, not how much money is in your bank account, not how you’re looking for love in this club or how you have “moves like jagger”. If we as a species wish to attain a higher view of life, we need music that challenges us and takes us to higher heights. If that’s not so, we’ll have to settle for the same old bullshit and we’ll never know just h0w far we could have climbed.

I’ll say it again. At the end of the day, nothing else matters. Everything we do is a conduit for creativity. When I go about my daily routine, I encounter people I like and people I don’t like. Life experiences make me see art in new ways. I take care of myself so that I can continue to create art. I don’t do it because it”s somehow required. All of these things lead back to me creating the best art I can. All things lead to one road – art & music.

After all, that’s all I have left.

– Scotia