Square One

“Alright, it’s time to talk one one on one with everyone here.”

It’s been a long time since I’ve actually posted here. Too long, in fact. A lot of things have happened in the span of that time between my last post and now. A lot of things that are small events, but add up to a large amount of things over time. I have never thought I’d be where I am today if you asked me several years ago. I’ve been left for dead in cavernous mountain passes, drowned in brackish water, and sent into dark caverns with no flashlight. My soul has experienced a rending the likes of which I had never thought possible. I’ve experienced bittersweet victories and melancholic happiness. All by people who I thought we friends. Maybe their intentions were not harmful, but it sure hurt quite a bit. Unintentional wounds and eyes of resentment.

I was a fool. A fool to think that I was impenetrable through the use of my buffers. I relied on psuedo-intellectualism, abject rationalization, red herrings, philosophical meanderings to compensate for my character defects. I thought I could actually transcend my problems and become unbreakable. Well, it didn’t work. And here I am, several months later asking the same fundamental questions I’ve been asking for years. I thought I cracked the code, I thought I figured it out. But little did I know that I’ve been rowing in place for years. It was enough to make me want to say “fuck it all” and just throw it all away. I was very close to doing it.

At the time of this writing, I feel as if I am up against the wall.I am waking up every day breathing a sigh of blue, asking myself why I made it through the night. And as always, I wonder what will happen to me at the end of the day.

What do I feel? In most to least: envy, melancholy, longing, desire. Just when I thought I had figured out the resolution to these problems. There they are again, just like they were several years before. Except this time, I can’t deny them. I truly have reached the end and I deserve every last drop of this.

I just know things have to change.

 

I was a fool.

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