I’ve fallen a long way.
But simultaneously I’ve managed to make a tiny amount progress as well. The last couple of months have been a soul-rending experience to say the least. But it was necessary. Over the summer, I felt as if I needed reinvent who I am and what I stand for. I became frustrated at my lack of progress in relating to other people. I felt as if I was marginalized by whatever friends I had and that I had been taken for granted. When it came to the opposite sex, my luck was nonexistent. I began to experience an incredible sense of malcontent at seeing my friends get progressively better lives that I did. I felt trapped. Isolated. Cornered. If I didn’t change something, I would go off the deep end and do something terrible to myself. I had to do something. I had no choice.
Early on in the summer, I had the subconscious inclination to become as reckless of a person as possible. I was hell-bent on my self-destruction. Ironically, in attempting to act in a way to save myself, I was actually endangering myself. The summer was one of struggle. I’d rather not discuss the events that occurred over the summer, but it included many drunken nights, fights, and bouts of uninhibited lust.
In late August, a person I knew got into a serious car accident. He didn’t stand a chance and he died several days later in the hospital. I was about to get into that car after a party we went to but good thing a friend distracted me with something. After the accident, I took this as a wake up call that this was not the path that I wanted to be on. So I went back to school a couple days later.
I have now deconstructed myself and now I am ashes. As Frederich Nietzsche said, one cannot truly become reborn until they have become ashes first. So I am ashes and I will rebuild myself. It is a long process full of frustration but I must get there and hopefully I will get there with patience.