Loneliness is a core part of the human experience. It’s another one of those things our society tends to sweep under the rug and pretend does not exist. We are bombarded daily with images of people in groups, having a good time as if the very air we breath is made out of laughing gas. Everyone who has ever lived throughout history has experienced some type of loneliness. It’s another one of those “more or less” things that happens depending on whether you won the cosmic lottery or not. There needs to be a clear distinction between being lonely and being alone. I enjoy being alone most of the time. Growing up, I had no other choice. I either found ways to entertain myself or I get bored. Not too hard of choice there. I do not however, enjoy being lonely. Both of these phenomena tend to be common motifs in my life. They will be for many years to come. People enhance other people. There is no way around that, that is just how life works. These people come in the form of significant others and friends.
As time starts to complete another swing of the metronome and I grow inevitably older, I see acquaintances and such go in and out of various relationships, some lasting longer than others, some more successful and better built than others. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to be in one. Even more so, I wonder what they have that I do not. Then I remember – I’m me (oh yeah, forgot about that). I realize I will most likely never have a significant other. I have gotten increasingly more comfortable with the fact over time even though it is a relatively hard pill to swallow. Not only do I fail miserably in talking to the opposite sex, but I find that I can get annoying to be around for long periods of time. When this begins to occur, I remove myself from the scenario swiftly. It is not that I am talkative, quite the opposite. It’s just that I tend to be quite dull and not one for small talk. Not surprising coming from someone that is perpetually mired in depression. Let’s not even begin to get to the fact that I am one of the weirdest people on Earth.
As far as friends go, I can only say I have one. We don’t talk often, but I guess it’s better than none. All of the rest are just people that I interact with so that I can appear normal and to stave off the loneliness. I can’t relate to anyone and I’ve tried to make friends but people aren’t receptive. I don’t do a lot of the things that a lot of people do and in the process I seem – boring. It’s a shame because everyone that I have tried to be friends with, I felt that I could have learned something from them if only they reciprocated the feelings. It’s been a constant struggle since my earliest days.
In the end, I guess loneliness is one of the many sources of my continuous downsound. The fact that I am hard to relate to makes it even harder. Its gotten to the point that everyone has begun to mean nothing to me as they cannot grasp the core of what I am trying to express. Every single person is becoming dust in the wind and as time blows on, they begin to collapse. I know that there are others that feel the same way, but they are good at hiding it I guess (as we all are). Past performance is indicative or future success, and I have failed in both categories. I suppose it is for the best, after all. No room for companionship or camaraderie, as I have devoted my life towards the pursuit of knowledge, research, and the advancement of the arts and sciences.
In the end, it’s just another pathetic excuse for not addressing my near-impossible to fix list of flaws and another method of distraction from the dark reality that is human existence.