Square One

“Alright, it’s time to talk one one on one with everyone here.”

It’s been a long time since I’ve actually posted here. Too long, in fact. A lot of things have happened in the span of that time between my last post and now. A lot of things that are small events, but add up to a large amount of things over time. I have never thought I’d be where I am today if you asked me several years ago. I’ve been left for dead in cavernous mountain passes, drowned in brackish water, and sent into dark caverns with no flashlight. My soul has experienced a rending the likes of which I had never thought possible. I’ve experienced bittersweet victories and melancholic happiness. All by people who I thought we friends. Maybe their intentions were not harmful, but it sure hurt quite a bit. Unintentional wounds and eyes of resentment.

I was a fool. A fool to think that I was impenetrable through the use of my buffers. I relied on psuedo-intellectualism, abject rationalization, red herrings, philosophical meanderings to compensate for my character defects. I thought I could actually transcend my problems and become unbreakable. Well, it didn’t work. And here I am, several months later asking the same fundamental questions I’ve been asking for years. I thought I cracked the code, I thought I figured it out. But little did I know that I’ve been rowing in place for years. It was enough to make me want to say “fuck it all” and just throw it all away. I was very close to doing it.

At the time of this writing, I feel as if I am up against the wall.I am waking up every day breathing a sigh of blue, asking myself why I made it through the night. And as always, I wonder what will happen to me at the end of the day.

What do I feel? In most to least: envy, melancholy, longing, desire. Just when I thought I had figured out the resolution to these problems. There they are again, just like they were several years before. Except this time, I can’t deny them. I truly have reached the end and I deserve every last drop of this.

I just know things have to change.

 

I was a fool.

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Ashes

I’ve fallen a long way.

But simultaneously I’ve managed to make a tiny amount progress as well. The last couple of months have been a soul-rending experience to say the least. But it was necessary. Over the summer, I felt as if I needed reinvent who I am and what I stand for. I became frustrated at my lack of progress in relating to other people. I felt as if I was marginalized by whatever friends I had and that I had been taken for granted. When it came to the opposite sex, my luck was nonexistent. I began to experience an incredible sense of malcontent at seeing my friends get progressively better lives that I did. I felt trapped. Isolated. Cornered. If I didn’t change something, I would go off the deep end and do something terrible to myself. I had to do something. I had no choice.

Early on in the summer, I had the subconscious inclination to become as reckless of a person as possible. I was hell-bent on my self-destruction. Ironically, in attempting to act in a way to save myself, I was actually endangering myself. The summer was one of struggle. I’d rather not discuss the events that occurred over the summer, but it included many drunken nights, fights, and bouts of uninhibited lust.

In late August, a person I knew got into a serious car accident. He didn’t stand a chance and he died several days later in the hospital. I was about to get into that car after a party we went to but good thing a friend distracted me with something. After the accident, I took this as a wake up call that this was not the path that I wanted to be on. So I went back to school a couple days later.

I have now deconstructed myself and now I am ashes. As Frederich Nietzsche said, one cannot truly become reborn until they have become ashes first. So I am ashes and I will rebuild myself. It is a long process full of frustration but I must get there and hopefully I will get there with patience.

 

– Scotia

Antagonists

In life, there will inevitably be those in life who will be against us. Those people are many. Whether they dislike you for some small, insignificant reason, from some transgression you have done against them, or for no reason at all; there will be those that will want to sink and maroon you. Those that will leave you abandoned, stranded. Those that would let go of the rope if they were helping up a cliff. Those that wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. Many times, it is quite easy to separate these people from those that care about your basic existence. Many times, it isn’t.

Far too often, these people tend to blend in. Sometimes they may lurk in the shadows of your life, or they might the be the person you sit beside in your home on your couch, watching a movie. It is so difficult to point these people out and thus they may be the most deadly. You can never be to sure of their intentions. You just don’t know until it happens. They start treating you like an outsider for no reason at all, they reject you. Not knowing who the antagonists can cause some form of paranoia and it starts to take a toll on a person, making them weaker.

The only solution to breaking down and eliminating potential antagonists is if they start to blend in with the spectator while you are at the center of some form of controversy. If you are being single out by another spectator, the person you thought was on your side will move themselves to the sideline watching you get humiliated or torn apart by another. They will stay in the shadows, a small feeling of twisted fulfillment will stir within them, arousing emotions of seething “just desserts”. When you fight with your significant other, they will not attempt to diffuse the situation, they will sit there and observe gleeful that things are heading south. You might as well give them a bag of popcorn.
One must always keep an eagle eye out for these things. Or else, there will be dire consequences.

 

– Scotia

Modulation

I often go to the movies alone.

On most of those days, I go in the middle of the day. There, I sit in a relatively empty movie theater and see the few people in random areas. The theater, evoking emotions that I couldn’t bring out of myself. The movie ends and I leave. The movie doesn’t really make that much of an impact on me. I haven’t been blown away by a movie in quite some time.

Every form of popular entertainment relies on cliches and time-tested techniques. Movies packed with action, throwing a dose of sentimentality in the mix as an effort to appear “deep”. Music rehashing the same subject matter, using the same power chords, rappers rhyming over the same 4/4 808 beat. Television, offering a method of escape by providing us hyperbolic characters that we must strive to be a shadow of. The masses label it “genius”, “the best etc. of all time”, “epic”.

You can just look at the eyes and peer in. Something’s just not right. Most people get by faking it, putting on a cleverly deceptive veneer of equilibrium and getting away with it day after day after day.

Some men are sad because there just aren’t enough hours in the day. Some men are sad because they don’t make enough money. Some men are sad because they aren’t the guy in GQ. Some men are sad that they will one day die. Then of course, there are other men that are sad simply because the world keeps turning. In the cosmic scheme of things, no action that they do will stop the tidal wave and everything eventually boils down to insignificance or rounding the thousandths place. Whichever one comes first.

Naturally, there is always some type of substance to take.

 
-Scotia

Of Past Days

Lately,

I have been ruminating about the past. Everyone does this to some extent or another. However, this isn’t a nostalgic feeling, it’s more like “putting things into perspective”. Why we do the things we do, who knows but it makes for some good contemplation fodder. I generally do not care too much about things in my past. People who knew me growing up tend to have more feelings of significance than I do.

As said before, this isn’t nostalgia. Its something different. It’s a realization. I realized that things were so much “simpler”. Not in the sense of just a child being blissfully unaware of things but just things tended to be more “point A to point B”. I am specifically talking about high school. While I am grateful for my high school years, I do not wish to return to them. I miss the “feeling” of my existence back then. My existence comprised of several straightforward routines. I knew few people personally. I was able to lose myself in my own reality easier. I can’t say the same thing now. My day now is constructed from several complex routines. I now have more people  I know personally. I cannot dive into myself as easily as before (even though most days it is still ridiculously easy).

It is very hard to get the feeling I am describing into words. I suppose you can call it a paradigm shift. The most frustrating part was that things got unnecessarily complicated about three years ago. There wasn’t as much red tape. I never had to deal with drama. I never had to deal with other people’s emotions as much as I do now. Even with this paradigm shift, I tried to apply old tactics to a new world. In the end, I caught the burn from the backdraft and I realized I had to reevaluate my strategy to this new battle. I had to adapt. I had to learn new tactics. My failure to relate to people, especially those of the opposite sex – would have to be reevaluated. It wasn’t something I wanted to do but if I wanted to carve out a decent existence for myself, I would have to.

I did adapt and I did get new tactics. It wasn’t easy and it took a span of several months to myself but I did it. Because of that, I now know the common denominator in existence. Evolution.

I’m not “there” yet, but I’ll get there.

 

– Scotia

Paragon

As one progresses through certain stages in their life, they will encounter many different people. There are many from different walks of life. That is why it is in one’s best interest to keep an open-mind when it comes to these types of things. “These things” being people in general. It helps to facilitate a good working relationship and base for your interactions with others. Not everyone is going to share the same views as that backwater town you came from.

As stated before, you meet people. You make friends from these people. You make enemies from these people. You make disguised friends from these people. Most people will usually have a good group of friends and will usually end up having a neutral relationship with them. Most people will usually not feel ambivalent or strongly about anything they do or say mainly because of the fact that these people are politically-correct and will avoid confrontation at all costs. There is nothing wrong with avoiding confrontation but when you have to compromise your opinions in the sake of being “politically-correct”, then you have a problem.

Then there will be a portion of people that usually tend to polarize people. Some will usually have a negative to extremely negative view of the person (whether justified or not) and some will have a positive to extremely positive view of the person (whether justified or not). The actual percentage breakdown is dependent on the individual. The actions that the individuals have taken to get here are also dependent as well.

As on par the course with nature, there will be some humans that will decide to rise above the quicksand that is known as complacency. They are the driven ones, they are the ones that wish to carve out a better existence for themselves and the people they are in close contact with. They wish to thrive and strive to be the best they can be. As one climbs the social, monetary, physical (insert adjective here) ladder there will be people that will drag them down.  They are known in 21st century vernacular as “haters”. Many people brag about having haters, this is quite common in our cybernarcissistic hamster-wheel attention span culture. Having haters is a sign that you’re doing something right, no? The reality is, most people have not done much of anything to justify having a large span of haters other than being a complete asshole or jerk to people they meet. These people haven’t done anything revolutionary, they haven’t done anything innovative, they haven’t done anything creative. If they have any haters, it’s because of simple asshattery, nothing more nothing less.

Then, there are the people that have a large amount of “haters” simply because they are successful in some type of mastery. Whether it be business, arts, or sciences. People will be jealous of what they cannot attain. Mastery means putting in the work and effort to become a “master” in your given field, which correlates to Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 hours theory. Many people are simply too lazy, unintelligent, or impatient to achieve mastery over anything. It is expected in this instant gratification culture to instantly be good at anything. No. It didn’t work for your grandparents and it sure as shit won’t work for you.

When mastery or dominance in an area is on its way to be achieved, there will be naysayers that will come out of the woodwork. Many of them will come out unexpected places. Many of them might end up being very close to you. These people will often tell you that your dreams, goals, and ambitions are foolish and you are better off doing nothing. The goal of these people is just to keep everyone who wish to follow their dreams down so that they will not have feelings of inadequacy every time they see you making a breakthrough. These people were too scared or lacked the resources to make their own breakthrough, now they are stopping yours.

The only way to reach Tahoe’s peak is to cast off these naysayers and plow ahead. A type of solipsistic self-indulgence is necessary, one that borders on the edge of narcissism in order to guard against this threat to sanity.  People gravitate towards mastery and dominance. That is why people in the upper echelons have more hangers on than they know what to do with.
The key, like everything in life, is to separate the good from the bad.

Temptation

I’m not that old, but I’ve dodged quite a few bullets in my days. Feeding the inherent desires of my shadow side has not been an easy task to say the least. My conscious side has had to actively reel myself in from being entangled in compromising propositions. Temptation follows me everywhere. It follows us all everywhere. Some people tend to be more resistant than others to these things but there are several that just can’t help themselves. Play now, die later seems to be the mantra of the day.

The elders don’t seem to think that I have the willpower to resist or come out ahead. They seem to doubt me and my contemporaries and say that we will fall for the traps that the world has set for us. However, I disagree. There are many among us that do not fall for these things can practice self-control. These are the self-reliant, the stoic, the transcendent. Among us, we may have more wisdom than the elders and their hubris.

Following the straight and narrow path isn’t always easy because the straight and narrow path isn’t always clearly defined. One path can look like the right one at first but then it slowly deteriorates into a terrible situation. Like-wise, a bunch of people take the path that looks the worst on the outset but then it eventually turns to a walkway of gold.

I just hope I can keep my sanity the most when I need it. Because I know I’ll sure need it soon.